i had nitequil last night...

that annoying dripping nose and fevered head...just that under-the-weather feeling....which really doesn't suit me.

i woke up at 11:30 this morning. lying there curled up under a heap of blankets, i stared in disbelief at the clock. i never wake up this late...

but nitequil always does it to me. and even once i do wake up. its a dead kind of awakening and i almost always have trouble---getting a move on my life.

so i have to say that i am still in my pajamas...despite the extra cup of coffee..

oh my, what happened?

i just keep asking that question.

what am i doing? what was i doing? why does everything feel right and wrong? why can i not see clearly what is right and wrong anymore? we see through a mirror dimly...

i feel lonely sometimes. but not most of the time. only at those occasional moments when i find myself wishing for a certain chat box to appear---and it doesn't. only those times when i lie awake staring back at the darkness. only those times when i find myself confiding to people who were complete strangers to me only a few months ago...

its these times when i suddenly think to myself is this growing up? have i let myself distort into some disinterested, unimaginative adult creature the way i promised myself i never would?

where have i left myself? or where have i found myself? or where am i really?

i wake up in the morning apply my green eye shadow and throw on whatever clothing i can find easiest access to...something original and unique. i used to debate with myself of whether this article of clothing would go over okay with the cliche of highschool chicks. but who really cares? i don whatever i don. i'm at college people proudly dress the way they dress. and their creative choices are what make them beautiful.

i grab my car keys and head off to my classes in the mornings... zooming around with blaring music ;) not really caring about the work, but somehow managing--- through as little studying as possible--- to mantain good grades.

school is school. what can i say?

the best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time....

when your world feels like its being flipped upside down and shaken back and forth its just best to take one day at a time...

with your eyes closed you sometimes have to take that step and feel that moment of suspence as your foot feels like its falling through space...but always in the end you'll find the ground...and even if you get a bruise though it all, there's nothing better than the ground.

its part of forging yourself...not by what people have always thought of you as being but as what you've always been underneath and yet everyone failed to see..or understand....

when your younger sometimes you create an external identity for yourself~a type of person you let on to be but really aren't~ and then everyone thinks of you as being that way...and you build a reputation.

...and so sometimes it feels good to start fresh in a new place with new people. people who don't assume your some "weird/crazy artist" type.

i wasn't always "strange", or "weird" but i must admit i liked to annoy people and i've always hated the whole "you are cool if you do this or act this way" mentality...and playing weird and strange is one of the best ways to annoy.

a certain friend of mine has really helped me understand this about myself. it was simply my way of reacting in defience to the "you are cool if you do this or act this way" mentality.... i don't think i ever realized it more clearly than i do now thanks to him. its sort of freeing...

i've been an actress for years. and i played the part so well that i almost hate to give it up.

but now...my highschool years are behind me and...

i'm starting fresh...